and yet I know His love

Worthless.
In this world so many things can rob us of the value that was originally bestowed upon us by God.
But the reality is we never lose our worth to the one who created us.
I cannot be of value to anyone else until I accept the value given to me by God.
I don't have words to say what I want to say.
I don't have words to express what is going on in my head, but I will write the things I can think of to give you an idea of what I have been meditating on...


So often, I feel worthless.
I have nothing to offer

I have nothing

but God has called me Beloved.

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12

The worlds lies get into my mind and permeate my thoughts all too often. I start to not only feel worthless, but hopeless and perpetually stuck. I start to wonder if I am just convincing myself of a truth that I have no real grounds for.. but I know these are lies..

I know beyond anything that I have hope.
Real Hope.
I not only know it, but I believe it with my heart.
I have hope.

Hope of eternal life
Hope because I have been forgiven
Hope in spite of suffering

because it is before a slaves master that he stands or falls and I will stand because it is Jesus Christ who has been made my own righteousness.
I will stand because he covers me
I will stand because he holds me up
I will stand not on my own merit, because I have none.
These are not pretty words
rather
this is the truth
(Romans 4:14)

I despise anything else

I hate the way I feel when I am enslaved by my own sin..
It was for FREEDOM that Christ set us free!!
Therefore, do not become subject to a yoke of slavery again!!
(Galatians 5:1)


Freedom.
Freedom does not mean "without restraint"
I am a fish. I am made to swim.
I cannot fly, and if you put my outside of water, I will suffocate.
and yet... I have this longing in my flesh to walk on land... to feel a rush of near death
but I go too far.
I am not what I continue to try to be

I try to be my own god.
to make my own rules
wasn't that the sin for which Lucifer was banished to hell for all eternity?
He desired to be like God

I have been given a glorious position.
I am a slave to my Master
a slave to my King

My gracious, loving, merciful, all-knowing and yet still compassionate, all-powerful and yet meek
King forever
Although He has authority over life and death, He is not cruel.
He rules, but He does not abuse
He is jealous for me.
He is jealous for my love

Why in the world
would he want the love of a wicked, depraved, stupid, human being?
He has legions of angels at his command
He has creatures that their sole purpose is to sit by His throne and say, "Holy, Holy, Holy" for all eternity.

Why would He even recognize my existence?
I came from dust.
I can give Him nothing.

There are thousands of other more talented, more godly, more faithful, more worthy, more pure, more lovely, more righteous, prettier, more successful, humans... who are more willing to give Him their lives

Why does He continue to pursue me?

but that's just it...

He wants... me.

When I sit and feel worthless, and hurt... no one feels deeper pain than my King... My Creator... My Father
When I feel that I have no value or purpose to anyone... It rips His heart.. because He created me, to be His.

and in my heart I know that I was meant for Him.
I was meant to be His alone.
Nothing else satisfies me, because everything I am, every fiber of my being, longs, yearns, desires to be one with Him.

He is what can fill my shredded bleeding heart.
He is the one who can collect all of my tears into a bottle and right all the wrongs
He can take the weak, tired, frail scraps of my soul and skillfully knit them together again...
Time after time
after time
When He fixes me, and I fall again.. and He must sow me back together

He never tires of my inability to live in complete holiness, because my debt is gone.
He never runs out of the threads of grace and mercy that so colorfully decorate the fabric of my heart..
they show where I've been stitched and restitched... and restitched again

but each time there is something new, something beautiful that comes from my broken soul
and each time the master Creator repairs His creation, the more it starts to look less like a fallen soul, and resembles its intended appearance

All glory be given to My Savior.

The Fight

A child needs boundaries in which to exist

Only within those boundaries can she be free

I fight.

I fight because I am comfortable

because I am afraid of what a change could mean

I kick and scream

refusing Your love

Your arms, secure around me as I fight to break lose the bonds that will bring me life

I squirm and struggle like a child used to getting her own way

and haven't I? I obey when I want to

when it is convenient

You are holding me back!

my sin gives me comfort

my sin makes me feel in control

but your arms around me as I scream are starting to show me

Restraining my flesh.

Your deepest expression of love

is to hold me back from that which is comfortable

I slowly start to understand

I am not a creature made to rule

I am not made to control

My sin has mastered me.

Deception.

I am not in control

I never was.

Dawning.

I realize I am still fighting your embrace

I am exhausted from my attempted escape

I'm hurting myself

My legs still kicking

my arms

still thrashing

Still your grip remains strong

You will not let go

Tired.

I can not fight

Your persistence

Your Love

Within your grasp

You are giving me the boundaries in which I can Live

Truly live.

I feel your arms still holding me

Strong

You are not holding to injure

my fight is what is causing me pain

My limbs finally rest within your grasp

I concede.

You have won me